I got mad today, or I guess I should say I got frustrated first. As everyone does sometimes...
My husband and I have in the past been the type of couple to gossip about other parents behind closed doors. We are not perfect, and we will admit that this is a mistake. For the most part, we try not to judge others. But as I said, in the past, we have talked about "THAT mom".
That mom who is coming across as unnecessarily frustrated. That mom who is angry. In public.
We've heard her in the store, at the swimming pool after swim lessons, at an amusement park or skating rink, or other public place, especially when it is a place that is supposed to be fun for kids. We've heard her yelling at her kids, telling them they're being bad, they're not listening, they're being brats. And we've heard the mostly empty threats she's given her kids as a result of what seems to be more about her behavior than theirs. "If you don't stop whining/crying/carrying on/arguing, we're going home. We're going to stop this current activity, and we're leaving immediately." And the kids continue being kids. And they stay. And the mom keeps up her threats and anger. And we judge her.
The other thing we hear moms say when this scene occurs is "I'm done." And THAT, right there is the key phrase. Yes, she is done.
Perhaps Mom didn't get enough sleep the night before and/or enough caffeine the next day as she set out into the world with her kids. Maybe she's dealing with some sort of bad news in her personal life. It could be she's anxious about something, or her routine is off, or there's a chance that her kids really are acting up, and have been pushing her buttons all day and she's at her breaking point. It could be any of these situations, or a combination of them, or a million other things not listed here. But the result is the same. She's done. And we see and hear her acting out.
But the thing is, we really have no room to judge. Not only have every single one of us been here in some shape or form (I guarantee it. ALL of us, moms and dads alike), but we probably will be again. So we shouldn't judge. We should accept. We can accept that that mom is probably having a moment. Or a day. Or a week. We've all been there. I've been there. We can offer our solidarity and recognition and say, "Hey, I know how that feels. It gets better." In some cases, maybe we can even go further and offer to step in and help, let Mom take a minute to breathe, if possible. Wouldn't you like to hear that the next time you're going through something? I know I would.
So even if last week, I said to my husband, "this lady at the kids' gymnastics class was CRAZY today. She was yelling at her three year old, and the three year old was just running around, being three," this week I could be the crazy lady who is telling her overtired toddler to shut it in the grocery store before Mommy LOSES IT, and next week, I could be the mom saying, "hey, are you having a rough time? How can I help?"
These are just my thoughts on this topic, because as I started this blog post, I was THAT MOM. Today. I was stressed that I was tired even though I've had rest and caffeine, and it's a holiday, but my daughter still had her regularly scheduled gymnastics class, so I was glad to get out of the house with her. My husband got me the lunch I wanted. I ordered grocery pickup for tomorrow. My daughter is starting to really CLICK with the potty training. All these things were good. But I have anxiety, and anxiety can translate often as ANGER. So when we got home, and it was time for my daughter to nap, I walked past all the housework I hadn't done, and the chore my son didn't finish, even though I've sent him to complete it the past two days, I thought about what I needed to get done that I hadn't yet. And then I saw my daughter's room, which had been getting messier and messier the past few days. It was past time for her to take her nap. But I asked her to clean. And she did. She picked up most of her toys. But she put some into the "wrong" bins (I have been told I'm a control freak, yes). I told her to pick up books and hand them to me so I could put them away on her bookshelf. She didn't move. She kept rubbing her sleepy little eyes. So I got mad. I yelled. I yelled her name. I yelled for her to pick up books and hand them to me. I threatened timeouts. I told her to HURRY, because it was nap time and she needed to sleep. She said she had to go potty. I didn't want to take her BACK DOWNSTAIRS to her little potty, because that would just take up more time, so I took her to the upstairs bathroom to sit on the regular toilet. She was scared. I assured her she was fine, while rolling my eyes. I got frustrated at myself for being mad at her, and worried that I'd scare her to use the toilet again, when she has been doing so well the past few days. She wouldn't pee, even though I could tell she had to. So I took a deep breath, and I did what she and I both needed me to do. I put a diaper on her, and I put her to bed. I didn't read her a book, so she cried. I was still too frustrated to enjoy my reading time with her. I sang her our special goodnight song, I gave her many hugs and kisses, I apologized to her, I told her I loved her and goodnight, I looked at the books and toys that were still under her bed, and shut her door, still feeling frustrated and annoyed with myself. I had to take a bath to get myself to calm down.
So don't be so hard on yourself. Practice self care. Offer support and solidarity to others when you can. Don't gossip about what you see another parent doing, because you don't know what they're going through. You're no better than them. And forgive yourself.
You're doing a good job, Mama.
